We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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