Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Someone signed my nipple.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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