Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
It's shark week go big or go home
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
