im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
