Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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