I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize