Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
She needs sedatives and a leash
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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