Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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