my phone needs a breathalizer
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
