3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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