I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
