i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Just high enough for therapy.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
