Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
