You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize