i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
