you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Randomize