and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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