everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
