im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
