he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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