if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
