I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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