i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
