I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
