I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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