he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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