ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I wish I only lived at night.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
