If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
