That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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