Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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