i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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