I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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