How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
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