Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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