What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
