ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Randomize
