Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize