i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
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