i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
