i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
