Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Operation Purity has been aborted
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
