That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
