Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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