I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Randomize
