Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize