I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Randomize
