Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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