you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
