My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
