Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
