Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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