Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
