In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Randomize
