So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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