I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
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