Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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