and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
