the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I've blown a few things in my day
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
