My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
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