hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
