Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Of course I have a pirate flag
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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