I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
