I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
