Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
