I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize